Posts (page 2)
Every (1st and 3rd) Wednesday night my church has care groups where we go off to someone's house and have a great time of fellowship and discussion. We discussed the sermon from the past Sunday. We're in Ecclesiastes. Chapter I-forget-which-one. For some undisclosed reason, I didn't share any of my thoughts. But someone always said what I was thinking so I didn't feel bad. Until one point where we were talking about death (a rabbit trail). A couple of girls mentioned not wanting to die until they had accomplished a certain number of things (marriage, babies, etc). And both said that when people say "praise the Lord! Old 92-year old elder Timmy died in his sleep last night and is now with Jesus!" they think, "how sad and scary."
This lack of trust in God is disturbing to me. That they think being something on this earth is better than being with God is disturbing. That they value the trivial and the temporal more than the eternal and immortal is disturbing. What does being a Christian mean, anyway? I am a Christian because God chose me. He chose me to bend my knee to him. By doing so, I give everything over to him. All my expectations, all my hopes, all my dreams. Given back to God. Once you give your life to God, he gives his life to you. Beyond fair trade. This only emphasizes my eternal indebtedness. These are my feelings. But I also feel sorrow for them. They know that they have eternal security in the grip of the Almighty, but this part of their salvation they are still working out. Faith is a gift. Because God has given me this gift in a greater amount, I need to share this gift. But it also surprises me to find others without it.
Faith is always something I've wanted. I've always felt that I was lacking in this area. So I prayed and I prayed and I immersed myself in the Word because I believed God when he said, "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."(John 15:7) I was expecting to become a super-human when this super-power of faith took over. Well, eventually people just started saying things like, "I wish I had your faith," and, "obviously, one of your gifts is faith."
I don't mean to sound like I look down on these girls. I know it sounds like I'm being very egocentric but truly I love these girls.
Well, here's what I said to them, give or take a few words:
I've never been afraid of dying. But I have been afraid of my parents dying. Especially when I was very young. I didn't know what I would do without them. And people would tell me, "Just give it over to God," or, "Lay it at the feet of Jesus," or, "Just lay it at the cross." Do any of these even make sense? But what I did was whenever these feelings came, I just prayed, "God, I know you want me to have faith. I know you don't want me to be afraid. I know you have something better planned." Eventually the feelings would subside. And after many years I don't have those feelings any more. So, that's what I'm going to share with you.
Then someone noted that by continually praying through the feelings each time they arose, I was essentially "giving it over to God." (ah! so that's what they meant. -I can be quite dense some times.)
I'm not afraid to not accomplish anything that the Lord would not want me to accomplish. He has determined my days (Job 14:5) and is in control of them all. Anything he "needs" me to do while on this earth, he will not only empower me to accomplish but he also won't hinder me from accomplishing them. If he receives more glory from me living, then living is what I will do. If he receives more glory by me dying, then die, I must. And I will be quite unable to forestall it. I cannot add one day to my life. I am not suicidal at all, btw. I do look forward to dying, though. "What a glorious day that will be," as the old hymn says.
Well, then the ladies separated from the men to have a more intimate time together and allow the men to do the same. As a group we are reading through Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney. It's my favorite. We're on the chapter where women should delight in doing housework. One of the girls from before, she's single, she does delight in doing wife-y things. She does them for her friends who are single, married, pregnant, hectic etc. She sounds so bitter though when she describes how her friend gets the kiss and the cuddle from the friend's husband. Do you really want your friend's husband to kiss you? ew, gross. Her lack of trust in God is disturbing. This lustful anticipation and lack of contentment is disturbing. To not delight yourself in the Lord and not die to self is disturbing.
If I get married, praise God. If I remain single, it's for his glory. I didn't say anything this time, but someone else did. She said that singleness is a gift. (from first hand account, I have witnessed that this never goes over well with single females who lust to be married.) She said that it is a gift to the married women that single women can come along side them and help do laundry or vacuum or whatever. And this I had never thought of before. I had always thought of my singleness as a gift for myself. However, should the Lord decide to send me a husband and children, I will accept them gratefully! I would very much enjoy having a husband and children. I love men. and children, too. The idea of marriage is very appealing to me. But it doesn't overwhelm me. But to think that my singleness is a gift for others is unexpected. And how true! For a gift is for the common good (I Corinthians 12:7)! So while God promises a good plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11) he wants me to use my gifting of singleness (and faith) to serve the body.
Praise God, I'm content. Pray to God that I won't look down on others. Praise God for my gifts. Pray to God that I will use them! I love the body of Christ. I love seeing it in action. I love seeing our flaws, and I love seeing how God has provided for the answer to those flaws. Trust and obey for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus.
and praise God that he's working on my humility...
There are times, like earlier this week, when I feel the presence of evil behind me with his hand very near my shoulder. Feelings of dread, loneliness, bitterness, and other selfish thoughts hover outside my sphere of “me” threatening to take hold of my mind. And I think, “Can I go through this again? Can I overcome these negative feelings? Can I handle this?” And I remember the last time I was confronted with bitterness or frustration, and I think, “yea, no problem. I’ve got this thing licked.” Not because I can handle it, and not because I know the magical secret, but simply because I am in this situation. Simply by having circumstances, I know I can overcome because that’s the power of Christ in me. He is in control. He is sovereign. He won’t give me anything I can’t handle. It isn’t because he thinks I can handle it, but it’s because he knows that he can handle it. With Christ fighting for me, evil doesn’t stand a chance against me. This time, strangely, all negative feelings simply dissipated. That doesn’t always happen; sometimes I have to fight them off with more than just blessed assurance. Sometimes I actually have to use my sword in a battle, but this time I only needed to touch the hilt of my sword and that was enough to end the battle before it began and send evil running away frightened of the holiness of God.
- Nancy Leigh DeMoss (as quoted on Thinklings.org)
First thought is rather serious.
I used to think that I was safe around my friends' husbands. And nothing bad has ever happened, but this past week in Care Group (which is the weekly meeting of smaller size from church where we gather for fellowship and discussion) my pastor's wife was sharing with the ladies how her friend in California and her husband became friends with another couple. They grew so close that there was a point of inappropriateness. The California lady told my pastor's wife to never get to the point where you are comfortable call or receiving calls from your friend's husband just to chat or seek advice. Women be friends with women, and men be friends with men. While I would never seek to purposefully make my friends' husbands stumble, and vice versa, we should keep our lives so far above reproach as to not give the devil a foothold.
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on forgiveness
Have you ever just become overwhelmed with feelings of sorrow and regret over past sins and wrongdoings? Maybe you hit your younger sister, or yelled at her; or maybe you said something mean to your mother, or humiliated your dad. I've done all these things. Sometimes I just cry over what I've done and I think "How could they ever forgive me?"
Here's my comforting thought - they've done all those same things to me. And I've forgiven them. I don't remember the pain that they've caused me. So why do I think that they are constantly dwelling on the pain that I have caused them?
This is Christ in us. We forgive as we have been forgiven. We love because He first loved us. God enables us to forgive and He enables us to love even after wrong-doings. God loves me even after my constant rebellion and hatred toward Him. He enables me to love Him. He enables my family to love Him too. I see the regenerate work of the Spirit and know that they've forgiven me just as my Father has forgiven me. I no longer need to feel shame.
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Something about judging..
Matthew 7:1 - judge not, that you be not judged.
Matthew 7:2 - for with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.
So forgive me if this is incorrect. I'm not a Bible scholar.
I shouldn't judge because that means that I will be judged by the same standard. So if I say, "hey, that man is bad because he is not as good as me," then someone else can say the same thing. Perhaps God would say, "you judge that man to not be as good as you, and I will use the same standard: you are not as good as me." That's a scary thought. I might say, "this person is good because he is better than me," then God would judge, "that person is not good because he is not better than Me. You are not good either because you are not better than me."
John 7:24 - judge with right judgment
Here, Jesus tells us to judge. But this manner of judgment is right. If I judge by what is right, then I say the standard is righteousness. I still fall short. The blood of Jesus cleanses me from all wrong-doing. I am clothed in Christ's righteousness. Now, I judge, "this man has no fruit showing his submission to Christ," and God will judge me, "that man has no propitiation, but your propitiation has been accepted through My glory and My sacrifice and My blood." My judgment is not my own. I condemn no one. I may judge, "this person has accepted Christ's propitiation. He stands righteous," then God would judge, "Just as this person has accepted My atonement and stands forgiven, so you have accepted My atonement and stand forgiven."
I don't mean that we can come up with any standard we want. "This person is GOOD because he is who he is." God would judge, "this person is not good because he is not who I am."
...I don't know, just random thoughts.
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on complaining
Keeping in mind that by "Christian" I don't mean a box you check when filling out an application. I mean a genuine love of Christ as a devoted worshiper.
I am not a Christian because of what presents God gives me. Whether those presents be monetary, wisdom, knowledge, position, recognition, a job, fame, peace, joy, or even salvation. I am a Christian because He deserves my love and more. That He chooses any good thing for me is far more that I should think I deserve.
I live for Christ, not for the gifts of Christ.
Whenever I complain I should remember what Oscar (my friend) said. He told me that whenever he starts complaining about something, maybe God didn't do something the way he wanted Him to, he feels God reply back, "Yea, remember that whole salvation thing?"
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I don't know about this one:
Is the feeling of awkwardness a sin? Feeling prideful is a sin. Feeling bold in Christ is not a sin.
Awkwardness...is sin, or no?
Does is stem from sin? If I am feeling awkward, is it because I have just done something sinful? I say something. Everyone stares at me. I realize I just said something bad. Instead of apologizing and accepting forgiveness, I feel awkward and stare back. In the opposite scenario, you say something bad. In stead of asking for clarification, or instead of thinking the best of you and assuming you didn't mean it the way it came out, or knowing you meant what you said and instead of letting you know that I think it inappropriate, I stare at you making you uncomfortable too. Maybe you enjoy making people uncomfortable.
I could ask a lot of leading questions. But basically, my opinion is that while awkward feelings are not sin, the usually occur because the person is sinning. If I am embarrassed because you just said some uncouth thing about me, then perhaps I think too highly of myself. maybe? or maybe I think too highly of man's approval of me?
This is more a silly rant than a serious one. I have a couple of friends who enjoy making people uncomfortable. This is where these thoughts stem from, not a serious introspective reflection of the inner man. But maybe it should have.
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ok, forgive me on this one, I just had a bunch of friends get married or start into new relationships:
If marriage is meant to reflect God's pursuit of the Church, then women = Church, men = God -for the purposes of the analogy (disclaimer: I have never met a man that I confused for God. I have met many men that I confused for pond scum.).
So husbands are to reflect God's character:
God is LOVE.
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, love does not ENVY or BOAST, it is not ARROGANT, or RUDE; love is not insistent on its OWN WAY, it is not IRRITABLE or RESENTFUL.
LOVE BEARS ALL THINGS
ENDURES ALL THINGS
God is wise, loves children and wants many children. Once natural children have stopped being added, He adopts.
Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-control.
Just as Christ gave himself for the Church, so the husband must give himself for the wife.While the church is unruly and whore-mongering, Christ is faithful and forgives all her sins, so a husband will continue his affection even while his wife is unfaithful.
As you can imagine, its very easy for women to be the church since both are sinful and I mean FULL of sin. But I admire men who persevere and strive for the goal when the prize is dim and so far out of reach, especially when they are surrounded by less-than-worthy women. A man grows with Christ and in Christ, and Christ renews and regenerates him making him ready for his bride and to be Christ's bride.
I don't mean to excuse women, only to present this in a semi-humorous way. Woman must strive after God as well.
We all have the hope or the promise that we will one day be the bride. And if God should see fit to receive glory through me being a bride twice, I hope that my husband and I will take the gauntlet together and reflect the salvation plan through our marriage.
God has set the standard high for husbands and I will follow my Father's footsteps and set the standard high for my husband. God has granted forgiveness and grace and mercy and I will follow my Father's footsteps and grant forgiveness and grace and mercy.
I have this terrible habit of thinking when I should be sleeping. I'll be laying down wanting to fall asleep but instead my mind takes off thinking. It's sometimes ridiculous because as I think to myself, "now, don't start Lauren. You're in bed. Don't think of anything." then my mind likes to give me examples of what I should not be thinking. Yes, you see the problem. The biggest annoyance is ignoring the thoughts and then forgetting them when I wake up. So I must get up, out of my warm cozy bed, walk over to the other side of my room, find some paper, find a writing utensil, and somehow at the wee hours of the morning try to remember that thought that is quickly evading all neurons associated with memory retention.
Hopefully this thought won't be too disappointing...
God is calling us to social reform of the individual. He is concerned with, and deals with, countries, governments, parties, groups, churches, and families as He has demonstrated all through history and the Bible. But even as most people struggle to see the forest from the trees, God does not. Not only does He not, but He also sees the trees from the forest. I think that most people struggle to see anything other than themselves, or at least their imaginary self where all their strength are exaggerated and their weaknesses diminutive.
God loves the individual. God sees the individual. Wherever there are social injustices, God is not there in their hearts (but He is there with His people). The answer is not laws, rules, and regulations; judiciaries, amendments, litigations, and constitutions; while these fix the outside, they leave whitewash tombs inside. A change in a constitution does not change one's heart, only his actions when he thinks he might get caught.
Only through the redemptive work of the Holy Spirit can social reform be accomplished.Only when the Spirit regenerates a soul can that soul see the full implications of his actions. To tame man's actions, put a band aide on his sin, does not eradicate his sin. Only through the power of Christ's blood can man's sin be removed.
To see social reform, deal with the individual.
Tell him about Jesus. Read him God's Word. How can he be saved unless he has faith, and faith if not by hearing? And pray. Pray for the nation, the leadership, the factions, the divisions, the unities, but it starts with the individual. So pray for the individual. Then go. Go find the lost soul. Go tell him about the redemptive work of Christ. Find him and tell him.
In America during the 60s and 70s, no one would argue that we as a country went through a remarkable transition. Having just come out of a war here and there, giving new freedoms to our own citizens, and social changes such as clothing and education - everything changed.
Do you remember Victoria Woodhull? yea, me neither. But she's credited with saying, "Yes, I am a free lover! I have an inalienable, constitutional and natural right to love whom I may love, to love as long as, or as short a period as I can, to change that love every day if I please!"
One leader in this movement admired and respected Woodhull for her "forthrightness," while one other leader felt similarly she said that she thought that giving Woodhull attention would distract from the general purpose of the movement.
The first leader, Stanton, also stated about their movement, "Nothing that has ever emanated from the brain of man is too sacred to be revised and corrected," citing that the Constitution has been amended, the English language is in constant revision, and "now the time has come to amend and modify canon laws, prayer-books, liturgies and Bibles...Woman's imperative duty at this hour is to demand a thorough revision of creeds and codes, Scriptures and constitutions." Revealing a completely misunderstood view of what it means to be "Scripture". She stated that Charles Finney's way of saving souls probably did more harm than good, sending her nightmares and fearing for her soul. Her younger counter-part and co-leader, Anthony, was raised by Quaker farmers, but she asserts that they never took the Bible literally.
And its for this reason that I no longer admire these women. Yes, they brought us suffrage. But no, I disagree with their reasoning that women and men are permitted the same allowances. Men were created for one use, while women for another. It isn't that one is better than the other; it is simply that one is a hammer and another a chisel. Their jobs are different, not equal, not always comparable. And Scripture, it did NOT emanate from the brain of man.
I just read "Not For Ourselves Alone" by Ward and Burns. I liked these women before I read the book...oh well.
In the past, I've always woken-up happy, even giddy to start the day. I've never been a morning person - I mean that I don't like talking in the morning. But then in February or March I started waking up sad and clse to tears if not actually crying because I didn't want to wake up.
Then, yesterday morning, I woke up happy again.
I am so happy that I am happy again!
I don't know what happened. But all I know is that April 30th I was sad, and May 1st I was happy.
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and in other news, I had a job lined up to work with international students at UTA. But that is not going to happen.
I don't know what I will be doing. I'm not one of those people who says "thus sayeth the Lord" or one of those other types that never accepts responsibility for their actions because "God had other plans." or whatever. I don't mean it as condescending as I sound. I didn't have peace about taking the job and now that I am not taking the job I do have a peace. -perhaps directly related to being sad and then being happy.
Many of my friends have said they feel called to do something or go somewhere or marry some person et cetera. And some have even told me that I am called to go some specific place for a specific purpose that they named. I haven't ever felt that extra calling. I'm not sure if it is supposed to be a feeling or a supernatural audible voice or what. I try not to be bitter about it. Maybe it is possible that God has given some people an extra specific calling and some of us are just supposed to live. I think I feel left out. But I've also been thinking that if I'm not hearing the Shepherd's voice, is it because I'm not one of His sheep? I know that I am, but I'll explore this thought -
The sheep know Him and hear His voice and follow Him (John 10). I've seen evidence of the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. Am I to conclude that I managed these changes on my own? Doesn't that sound a bit egotistical that I in my sin managed to live a life of a regenerate soul? Simply impossible.
So why can't I discern His voice?
Furthermore, if I am trusting God, if I am abiding in Him and His word is abiding in me, if I am following Him, then why can I not get over feelings that I no longer wish to posses? I feel so stupid. Things will be better in May.
This past week, and even further back, has been emotionally difficult, to put it lightly. Lots of crying. I'm not sure when it started. But on March 17 I was in Harlingen beginning to start a kids' sports camp with First Baptist there (an amazing experience, btw). Completely unrelated to the camp, it was my 25th birthday. I am finishing my biology degree at UTA and I'm single. Even though I have good reasons for being 25 and only getting my BA, I feel behind. I know that I've done all that the Lord has asked me to do including pausing my college career for four years to do other ministry and that now I must stand firm knowing that I am doing what the Lord wants of me. I know that men don't look down on me, but I look down on myself. Further, for whatever reason, the females in my family (mother, grandmother, aunts) have decided to press the marriage issue. It isn't like I'm surrounded by a hundred of willing and capable men - I'm at a university; there are no men, only boys. I'm a bit out of my age-range. Church would be a great way to meet my future husband, and I'm not against it. Only it isn't up to me to just decide "hey you, yea, lets go get married" - that's absurd. So I'm at this kids' sports camp, surrounded by wonderful, lovely children (some of them not-so-lovely) and I think "Some of these kids are young enough to be mine. Where are mine?" Pretty much, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Especially because I was just dumped. And there's stories that I might tell, but to my point-
this week I had an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I've been surrounded by my friends and family and even in the center of it all have felt the worse. My loneliness (don't laugh) compels me to seek solitude...ie I don't feel like being around anyone. A friend finds me. He wants to know what's wrong and I don't want to tell him. Makes him want to know even more. So without telling him specifics I tell him that I'm feeling lonely and it isn't anyone's fault and its certainly not anyone's duty to correct it, but that I think that the time I've been spending hanging out and what-not may, at least temporarily, be better spent seeking God more aggressively. I said that I felt my walk had become lax and I needed to refocus. I love everyone in my circle of friends, and there's nothing wrong with them, but they have become a distraction. As I was talking to this friend, I realized that this void, this loneliness, could only be fulfilled by God and until I found satisfaction in Him again, nothing outside of Him will satisfy. And as cliched as it is, once I find fulfillment in Him, I know that I can be satisfied in anything.
Its simply amazing how I pray and I pray and I pray and I see no answers, find no help, and seem to just be speaking to the air. And although wanting to remain faithful, I begin to wonder if perhaps I am praying for the wrong thing, or maybe there is a point when I am supposed to give up hope on something - perhaps I am hoping for something God does not want me to hope for.
So a couple of weeks ago, I prayed. The Spirit (I say the Spirit because I simply cannot imagine my own person being capable of the progression that follows. But it was not as if He introduced Himself and said, "Lauren, this is the Spirit. I am going to remind you of various Scripture to help you through this.") reminded me first of Proverbs 15:29 "he hears the prayer of the righteous". I know that the blood of Christ has made me righteous. Because of this I can approach the throne with boldness. The Lord hears my prayers.
I then remembered James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."
Over to John 15:7 "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." -knowing that the contingency here is that if I am abiding in the Word and God is abiding in me, my only desires will be those that God has placed in me so that He might fulfill them. So if I am not receiving what I am praying for, is it because I'm not listening to God?
Finally, Philippians 5:6-7 "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." So God doesn't promise answers; He promises peace.
My prayer changed as I was remembering these verses. I did not want to be bitter or have any hard feelings about this person I was praying for. So I had been praying for a full restoration. But my prayer changed to asking that I would be able to walk away from the relationship still loving him because we are Christians and in Christ we should be able to still be united in Christ even though our paths seem to diverge. I had been holding onto hope, but decided to hope for something different. The Lord changed my desire in a moment and fulfilled that desire in the next.
After this, the Lord fulfilled many other desires. Where am I working after I graduate? -UTA BSM as international ministry coordinator. How am I going to be able to do that mission trip over Christmas break if it does not even exist? -IMB contacted me about a new job that was just created. How about some girl friends at church because in as much as I love the men I sit with, I just think a girl needs to be surrounded with other girls? -met a dozen or so that same week. It would be nice if I found some girls who felt a desire to tear the Scriptures apart for truth at school, could You provide me some? -done. And then just a load full of blessings to top everything off with - things I did not pray for, but are delightful all the same.
I have delighted myself in the Lord and He has given me the desires of my heart. Psalm 37:4
My favorite thing to do is study the Bible. I know, I'm a nerd. But I just devour the thing. I love to dissect it and squeeze it for everything God might hold for me in it. This Word of God is consuming my life. And I really enjoy it.
As for other activities, as a friend recently shared with me, it isn't what wrong with them but what's worthy or right about them. If the activity isn't directly glorifying God, I probably won't enjoy it too much anyway. so my new conviction, that I hope I might live by, by God's grace, is to glorify God in all areas. To some, this may sound like I plan on never having fun. But I would assert that glorifying God is truly living. And until you truly live, you will never be having as much fun as I am. There might not be anything "wrong" with a certain activity, but is there anything right about it?
